The past week or so has been awful. There’s no other word I can use…it has been awful.

My lovely, caring, wonderful,  beautiful, amazing nan passed away.

On Saturday, after a 3 week stay in hospital and lots of various health issues, my brilliant nan became one of heavens special angels.

I spent the whole week before just crying my eyes out as we all knew the inevitable was coming. Once I heard the news though no tears came, I just felt weirdly numb. I feel as though it’s not real, I visited her house yesterday and kept expecting her to appear from the kitchen.

At times like this you need to be around family so I am up at home with my parents. I have been here since Saturday so I’m  really missing Oli and just want a cuddle off my husband.

Leo is helping me through all this but also making it more difficult. On Saturday I was very upset, I wasn’t  crying but he seemed to just know.  He came and gave me a big cwtch and one of those adorably sloppy kisses. Unfortunately, the back molars have chosen this time to start cutting through so I have one grumpy boy on my hands. He is having unreal tantrums during the day, sticking to me like glue and being almost unbearable at bed time. I am looking forward to getting home to Swansea so I have the support I need from Oli. 

Looking after Leo everyday means I don’t have much time to sit around and be sad, playing together with all my old toys is a good distraction technique. When he is not having a screaming fit he is mostly being his usual comical self and I can’t help but smile.

Me and my cousin had a rummage through my nans old photo albums yesterday and it really helped cheer us both up.

Leo is pointing at pictures of nan and saying ‘nanny’. This is really sweet but also heartbreaking because he probably won’t have any memories of her when he’s older. I am trying not to cry in front of him as he already seems to be picking up on the mood and is more sensitive than usual. Although I am sad he won’t remember nan, I am so glad he’s not old enough to understand. My poor sisters have had to explain it all to their kids and have had to see their children be upset.

Seeing family has been lovely but I needed to get away from the sadnesss for a bit today. Leo stayed at my in laws last night so I spent some time there today and indulged in a bit of puppy love therapy, Millie is gorgeous! I also went and visited an old friend and had lots of snuggles with her 6 week old daughter. Chocolate is also lifting my mood but nothing works for long. My nan was such an amazing lady and the world just feels wrong without her.

This is a bit of an odd thing to blog about but I just feel I need to let it out to help me come to terms with everything.

Has anyone else lost a loved one? How did you cope with the grief while still being a good mum?

I already can’t wait for Leo to wake up tomorrow so he can cheer me up with a cuddle…I miss my nan 🙁 .