I miss my Nan.
Ever since she passed away in May, I haven’t stopped missing her. With Christmas approaching and what would have been her 91st birthday 5 days after that, Nan is very much in my mind at the moment.
This will be our first Christmas without her. Although in recent years I haven’t always seen Nan on Christmas day, I always see her at some point during the festive period. It feels strange, this year I will be buying one less Christmas gift and there is going to be one less face in all the family photographs. What a lovely, kind face it was as well.
Loosing someone we love is awful. The grief that comes with loss is also pretty damn horrible. I know that over time, the pain of loosing a loved one slowly fades, it never truly goes though. This post is called Living with guilt, as opposed to Dealing with Grief, as I don’t think grief can be dealt with.
To deal with something, suggests it can be fixed. A leaky tap or a flickering light can be fixed. Unfortunately, grief is not a problem so easily resolved. Grief is more like, say, a benign, inoperable tumour. It’s not life threatening but it’s not going anywhere either. There may be days where you don’t think about it all, but then there are also the days where it is all you can think about. It’s always there, somewhere beneath the surface, but you just learn to live with it.
A day will come when I will be able to look at photos of Nan and not feel sad. Or all the little things that remind me of her, like fridge magnets and Rich Tea biscuits, will make me smile instead of leaving me trying to fight back tears.
Christmas is a time for family. This year a very special member of our family won’t be there. Though they may not be there in person, I know that both my Nan and my Granddad will be with us in some way. I am going to try and enjoy every second of Christmas this year, I know my Nan wouldn’t want it any other way.
Is this your first Christmas without a loved one too? I hope that you manage to enjoy your day. What are your thoughts on grief?