A letter to my first born

letter first born

Dear Leo,

I have been thinking about writing this letter to you for a while now. Your baby brother is due to come into the world in just a week’s time, I am rapidly running out of time to tell you everything I want to say. So, here goes..

Firstly, I need to say sorry. Sorry for not being the best Mummy over the last 9 months. All those times I have had to say no to soft play, to chase in the garden, to swinging you around and to picking you up and carrying you when you asked. I just haven’t been able to do those things, I know you don’t really understand why but very soon I will be the energetic, fun Mummy you used to have. I also need to apologise for all the times you’ve seen me cry, pregnancy hormones have really got to me at times and I know it’s not fair of me to cry in front of you. It has been confusing and upsetting for you to see me at my worst and I am sorry I couldn’t keep it together more. For every time I have snapped and lost my patience, especially in this last week or two, I am sorry. Having a big fat tummy and feeling exhausted isn’t fun, being a boy the hardships of pregnancy are something you will never have to experience yourself. Anyway, this isn’t an apology letter, there is so much more I still have to say.

My darling boy, it still feels like only days ago I was eagerly waiting for you to enter the world. You kept me waiting for 41 long weeks and 1 day and, even though going overdue was hard, you were worth every second of that wait. I loved you from the moment I first saw you, gazing up at me from below the water in the birthing pool and my love for you has continued to grow ever since that day.

I need you to know though, I am going to feel this exact same way about your brother too.

Don’t think this means I will love you any less than I do now, I am sure seeing you become a wonderful big brother will make me love you even more. I have enough love to go around and share between the two of you so please don’t worry. You might get jealous at times and that’s OK, you have had me all to yourself for the last 3 years and I don’t expect you to adjust straight away to having to share my time, attention, my everything with someone else. We will figure it out though,  we’re best friends remember? That’s what you’re always telling me anyway and I couldn’t think of a better best friend to have. It will take some getting used to, when baby first arrives I am sure things will be hard but we will soon get into a routine, our lives will move in a new rhythm but we will still have fun and I will always be here for you, just as I am now.

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Yes, you won’t be my only baby anymore. You won’t be my only son and you won’t be an only child. These thoughts may seem scary right now (I am a bit scared too!) but it isn’t a bad thing. When baby brother is here you will be getting a sibling, a friend for life. A brother to cuddle, to play trains with and explore the world with. Someone who you can talk to about anything, the only other person in the world who will know what it’s like to have me and Daddy as parents. When you’re teenagers and you will no longer call me your best friend, perhaps it will be baby brother who takes my place.

I can’t wait to see you two meet for the first time, the thought of it makes me well up with pride.  You are going to be an amazing brother Leo, I know this already. It is the way you ask to see my belly, the way you sing to my bump and mindlessly rest your head there and tap your little fingers on my stomach while we watch TV. It is so clear you love him already too, we don’t have to wait much longer now sweetheart and he will be here – ‘your baby’ will finally be out of Mummy’s tummy!

I don’t expect things to be perfect, I know there will be days where the jealousy might get too much or you’re fed up we have had to stay in because I’m tired or baby brother wants to feed all day, or you just miss your old life as an only child. I will forgive you any tantrums or angry outbursts during this time though lovely, settling into life as a family of four is going to be a challenge for all of us. Just know Mummy and Daddy love you. Always.

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And Leo, remember this, you will always be my first born.

You will always be the person who showed me how incredible my body really is, showed me how I am stronger than I ever thought possible and that if I can go through 12 hours of excruciating pain to bring you into the world then I can really do anything. Since having you I have learnt joy can be found in the smallest of moments, in the every day: an unprompted cuddle, a laugh, hearing a tiny voice saying ‘I love you’. You will always be the one who taught me it is possible to love someone completely unconditionally and to put someone else before yourself, every minute of every day, and not want a single thing in return. Having you gave me a real purpose to life and showed me being a mother was my calling. You will always be my first baby Leo, always.

So please don’t worry baby boy. When baby brother comes home, I will still love you as much as always. Hey, I will love you when you’re a grumpy teenager and don’t want to talk to me anymore. I will love you when you’re a grown man with your own family. I will even love you on the days we argue and the days where being your Mum is hard work. When you’re 50 and I’m 72 and when you’re an old man and I’m no more than just a star in the sky, I will still love you then. I will always be your Mum, but soon there will be another who calls me ‘Mummy’ . But, guess what Leo, he will call you big brother and he is going to look up to you and adore just as much as the rest of us.

Only a few days to wait now hopefully and we get to meet this little man. You can finally have that cuddle with your brother that you have been asking about for the last nine months. I am so excited to introduce you to him and to give you something as special as a sibling.

Love you always baby boy, please don’t ever forget that.

Mummy xxx

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24 Comments

  1. October 15, 2016 / 8:48 pm

    Aww that’s lovely. Good luck with he birth. I’m sure you will settle into your new family of 4 and routine soon enough. It sounds like your son will be a great big brother. #fortheloveofBLOG

    • Wendy
      October 17, 2016 / 9:49 pm

      Thank you for the good luck :). Fingers crossed all goes well and being a family of 4 is just as amazing as I hope it will be xx

  2. October 16, 2016 / 1:31 am

    A lovely letter to a darling boy, my dear he is cute. Congrats on baby number 2 🙂 Thank you for sharing. #KCACOLS

    • Wendy
      October 17, 2016 / 9:47 pm

      Thank you 🙂 xx

    • Wendy
      October 17, 2016 / 9:43 pm

      Aww, thank you so much for your lovely comment xx

    • Wendy
      October 17, 2016 / 9:31 pm

      Glad I am not the only one who has felt like this! Thanks for hosting xx

  3. October 17, 2016 / 12:22 pm

    I know there were times that Aspen missed it just being her and I when April came along, but she also loved her little sister. The bond they have now is the most beautiful thing ever! They laugh all the time, they are to each other and play and create. They love each other more than I could have ever wished for. You are giving Leo the gift of a sibling, a brother for life, he is such a lucky boy! #anythinggoes
    Mackenzie Glanville recently posted…I am freaking out about . . . . .#mgMy Profile

    • Wendy
      October 17, 2016 / 9:26 pm

      Aww that is so lovely your girls have such a strong sisterly bond. I really hope my two boys will get on well but I know it will be hard for Leo at times, how could it not be? I am sure they will be best friends though xx

  4. October 17, 2016 / 2:24 pm

    Oh gosh you got me all teary and emotional! Don’t feel bad as Leo will understand when he is older and I am sure you will make up for lost time in the many years you will share together.
    You are doing an amazing job and will continue to do so!
    #anything goes

    • Wendy
      October 17, 2016 / 9:24 pm

      Aww. Hopefully you are right and when he is older he will understand. Thank you lovely, that’s a sweet thing to say xx

    • Wendy
      October 18, 2016 / 12:19 pm

      Thank you 🙂 xx

  5. October 18, 2016 / 9:51 am

    I remember all those feelings! I wrote a similar post myself. I am now 4 weeks in with 2 and its not as hard as I thought.. My toddler has taken to it really well and newborns sleep quite a bit so we still get our time together 🙂 good luck! #TwinklyTuesdays

    • Wendy
      October 18, 2016 / 12:18 pm

      Ohh glad to hear things are going so well for you. I really hope things are going to be easier than I am expecting them to be too xx

  6. October 19, 2016 / 9:03 pm

    What a lovely tribute to your little boy 🙂 Hope everything goes well for you hun and your boy settles into life as a big brother easily xx #AnythingGoes
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  7. October 20, 2016 / 9:07 am

    Such a gorgeous letter, which will be lovely for him to read when he’s all grown up! Thanks for linking up to #PicknMix

    Stevie x
    A Cornish Mum recently posted…Smiggle Have Come To Cornwall!My Profile

  8. October 20, 2016 / 8:50 pm

    This is lovely Wendy. Leo will be a great big brother to the new little man. Wishing you all the best for the birth, and looking forward to hearing the good news. Thanks so much for linking up at #fortheloveofBLOG. Claire x
    The Pramshed recently posted…A Dribble Stop Top ReviewMy Profile

  9. October 21, 2016 / 8:54 pm

    Beautiful post and it’s great he will be able to have this when he grows up. Congrats on baby no2 I’m sure he will make a great big brother! #kcacols
    Tracey Bowden recently posted…My Iconic Film MomentsMy Profile

  10. October 22, 2016 / 6:53 pm

    I wrote a very similar letter to my oldest before the birth of my youngest. I still have some guilt 2 months later but he is such a great big brother. I am sure he will adjust wonderfully #KCACOLS

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