I have been thinking about writing this letter to you for a while now. Your baby brother is due to come into the world in just a week’s time, I am rapidly running out of time to tell you everything I want to say. So, here goes..
Firstly, I need to say sorry. Sorry for not being the best Mummy over the last 9 months. All those times I have had to say no to soft play, to chase in the garden, to swinging you around and to picking you up and carrying you when you asked. I just haven’t been able to do those things, I know you don’t really understand why but very soon I will be the energetic, fun Mummy you used to have. I also need to apologise for all the times you’ve seen me cry, pregnancy hormones have really got to me at times and I know it’s not fair of me to cry in front of you. It has been confusing and upsetting for you to see me at my worst and I am sorry I couldn’t keep it together more. For every time I have snapped and lost my patience, especially in this last week or two, I am sorry. Having a big fat tummy and feeling exhausted isn’t fun, being a boy the hardships of pregnancy are something you will never have to experience yourself. Anyway, this isn’t an apology letter, there is so much more I still have to say.
My darling boy, it still feels like only days ago I was eagerly waiting for you to enter the world. You kept me waiting for 41 long weeks and 1 day and, even though going overdue was hard, you were worth every second of that wait. I loved you from the moment I first saw you, gazing up at me from below the water in the birthing pool and my love for you has continued to grow ever since that day.
I need you to know though, I am going to feel this exact same way about your brother too.
Don’t think this means I will love you any less than I do now, I am sure seeing you become a wonderful big brother will make me love you even more. I have enough love to go around and share between the two of you so please don’t worry. You might get jealous at times and that’s OK, you have had me all to yourself for the last 3 years and I don’t expect you to adjust straight away to having to share my time, attention, my everything with someone else. We will figure it out though, we’re best friends remember? That’s what you’re always telling me anyway and I couldn’t think of a better best friend to have. It will take some getting used to, when baby first arrives I am sure things will be hard but we will soon get into a routine, our lives will move in a new rhythm but we will still have fun and I will always be here for you, just as I am now.
Yes, you won’t be my only baby anymore. You won’t be my only son and you won’t be an only child. These thoughts may seem scary right now (I am a bit scared too!) but it isn’t a bad thing. When baby brother is here you will be getting a sibling, a friend for life. A brother to cuddle, to play trains with and explore the world with. Someone who you can talk to about anything, the only other person in the world who will know what it’s like to have me and Daddy as parents. When you’re teenagers and you will no longer call me your best friend, perhaps it will be baby brother who takes my place.
I can’t wait to see you two meet for the first time, the thought of it makes me well up with pride. You are going to be an amazing brother Leo, I know this already. It is the way you ask to see my belly, the way you sing to my bump and mindlessly rest your head there and tap your little fingers on my stomach while we watch TV. It is so clear you love him already too, we don’t have to wait much longer now sweetheart and he will be here – ‘your baby’ will finally be out of Mummy’s tummy!
I don’t expect things to be perfect, I know there will be days where the jealousy might get too much or you’re fed up we have had to stay in because I’m tired or baby brother wants to feed all day, or you just miss your old life as an only child. I will forgive you any tantrums or angry outbursts during this time though lovely, settling into life as a family of four is going to be a challenge for all of us. Just know Mummy and Daddy love you. Always.
And Leo, remember this, you will always be my first born.
You will always be the person who showed me how incredible my body really is, showed me how I am stronger than I ever thought possible and that if I can go through 12 hours of excruciating pain to bring you into the world then I can really do anything. Since having you I have learnt joy can be found in the smallest of moments, in the every day: an unprompted cuddle, a laugh, hearing a tiny voice saying ‘I love you’. You will always be the one who taught me it is possible to love someone completely unconditionally and to put someone else before yourself, every minute of every day, and not want a single thing in return. Having you gave me a real purpose to life and showed me being a mother was my calling. You will always be my first baby Leo, always.
So please don’t worry baby boy. When baby brother comes home, I will still love you as much as always. Hey, I will love you when you’re a grumpy teenager and don’t want to talk to me anymore. I will love you when you’re a grown man with your own family. I will even love you on the days we argue and the days where being your Mum is hard work. When you’re 50 and I’m 72 and when you’re an old man and I’m no more than just a star in the sky, I will still love you then. I will always be your Mum, but soon there will be another who calls me ‘Mummy’ . But, guess what Leo, he will call you big brother and he is going to look up to you and adore just as much as the rest of us.
Only a few days to wait now hopefully and we get to meet this little man. You can finally have that cuddle with your brother that you have been asking about for the last nine months. I am so excited to introduce you to him and to give you something as special as a sibling.
Love you always baby boy, please don’t ever forget that.
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