Today I can’t write my Dad a Father’s Day card. I mean, I could but he would never be able to read it. Today I can’t hug my Dad, lean into his soft body and feel his arms around me, squashing me in close. Today I can’t kiss my Dad on the cheek, or squeeze his hand or look him in the eyes and smile.
Today I can tell my Dad that I love him, but I don’t know if he can hear me. Today I can look at photographs of the happier times, but tears will fall because I will never pose for a picture with him again. Today I can scroll through his smiling face throughout the years, knowing I will never know what that face would have looked like at seventy, or eighty or maybe even ninety five.
Today I can remember the good times but feel pain that no new memories together can be made. Today I can remember how he used to sing in the kitchen when I was a teenager, at 7am to wake me up for school. Every day. I can remember how he always made me breakfast and helped me with my maths homework. I can remember how he was my biggest cheerleader, how he knew what I was capable of, long before I could see it for myself.
Today I can remember how he used to tease me, how he used to compliment me, how he used to ask for my thoughts and opinions and how he would listen to what I had to say. Today I can remember how proud he was of me and how loved he always made me feel.
Today I can try to smile while I think about how silly and fun he was. I can relive the camping holidays, the Eurovision parties, the fancy dress nights, the drunken birthday parties, the Christmases, the days out, the nights spent playing board games and laughing. I can remember his terrible singing voice, his silly dance moves, his big smile and his laugh.
Today I will remember how he always had my full attention, when he would lean forward in his chair and say ‘Did I ever tell you about the time…’. Today I can remember that my Dad was the greatest storyteller I have ever known, but I can shed tears knowing I won’t ever hear his tales again.
Today I can think about how much he loved golf, cooking, his job, music, rum, the sea, travel and living a life full of curiosity, fun and adventure. I can think about how much he loved me, my kids, my siblings, his family and my mum. Today I can remind myself that this grief feels so big because it is trying to fill the hole of all his love that is no longer here.
Today I can remember that my Dad wasn’t perfect but I loved him anyway. Today I can reflect on my own parenting journey and remember that we are all just doing our best and loving our kids with everything we have, Today I can feel happy that I had a Dad who loved me with all his heart.
Today I can try to smile while I think of him, but nine months have passed and his loss still feels too raw.
Today, on Father’s Day, I can’t hug my Dad and tell him I love him. All I can do is remember and know my heart hurts because it still loves him so much, even though he’s no longer here.
All that is left to say today is, Happy Father’s Day to the best Dad in the world and the best Angel Dad in the sky.
I love you always x
If you can’t be with your Dad today, you’re grieving today or you just find Father’s Day difficult, I am sending you lots of love.