I’m sliding down again. I can feel it happening but I can’t find anything to grab onto to keep myself afloat. I can feel that awful weight too, it’s heavy on my shoulders and is leaving me drained. I am mentally and physically drained. I am typing this with tears in my eyes, not the first ones to appear today and it is not even lunch time yet. I hear my bed calling me, not just for the rest I need but it is telling me to come and hide, to pull the covers up and make myself invisible. Motivation is dwindling, more of a flickering candle almost at the end of it’s wick, rather than a roaring fire in my belly. I don’t want to do anything. More accurately, I want to do stuff but I have no energy or get up and go to do it. View Post

One of the first things I thought when I found out I was pregnant for the third time was what will I do if I get postnatal depression again? In fact, finding out I was pregnant again sent me into a bit of a relapse. For the first two or three weeks I was anxious and sad and could only visualise bad things to come in my future. I didn’t see the baby in my tummy as a happy surprise, I saw it as a ticking time bomb waiting for 9months before it would explode and leave me in a crater full of misery. As the months have passed and I am now half way through this pregnancy, fear has been replaced with excitement, trepidation has given way to eager anticipation. One thing I still think I need to do before I can fully be prepared mentally for what may or may not happen when the baby arrives is to look back and accept what happened after Alex was born.

I know I had postnatal depression, anxiety and probably OCD but I can’t let myself stop to fully reflect on that time. I need to though. I need to sit with those bad memories, even just for a moment, to let myself fully move on. I need to stop thinking of myself as the Mum who got pnd and instead think of myself as the Mum who is healed and ready (and happy) to do it all again, to have another baby again without fearing what may not even happen. So that’s what I’m doing today, I’m gritting my teeth and walking down the dark path of memory lane, back to when Alex was a baby and my life was a nightmare. I hope as I walk deeper and peer into those memories I’ve locked away that they will become softer around  the edges, they won’t hurt me anymore and they won’t have the power to sabotage the future life with three children that I will living in just 20weeks time. Looking back is hard, but I can’t heal without doing it. View Post

Today is #TimeToTalk day, a day for shouting loud about all things mental health. The campaign is run by Time to Change and their aim is to help us all start conversations about our mental health, to break the stigmas surrounding mental illness and to raise awareness of what living with a mental health condition is really like. If you regularly read this blog then you will know that I have suffered from post natal depression and severe anxiety, it first began in late 2016 after the birth of my second child. If you are a really avid reader then you will also know that I didn’t start taking any medication until my son was almost 18months old, way over a year after my symptoms first began. It has now been a year since I first started taking anti depressants and I thought I would share with you what the last year has been like. I am going to try my best to give an honest account of what life on sertraline is like, I am not going to hide anything behind any dark corners or avoid talking about when things have been tough. After all, the point of #timetotalk day is to have honest conversations about mental health, with 1 in 4 of us experiencing some kind of mental illness, it is important that we speak the truth to help each other to feel less alone.  View Post

Have you recently had a baby and feel like you might be struggling with postnatal depression? Whilst feeling a bit low and having the ‘baby blues’ during the first few weeks after giving birth is normal, more than 1 in 10 women suffer from postnatal depression. If you are feeling anxious, sad, overwhelmed and tearful most days, you may want to speak to someone and get some support. Speaking out and sharing how you are feeling is the first step you need to take towards getting better. Talking about your mental health can be difficult but once you have done it you will feel better and will be able to get the help and support you need. If you don’t know who to speak to or where to go for support and advice, I have made this list for you of all the people who can help. I know from experience how hard it is to talk about how you are feeling and to admit you may have postnatal depression, but there are so many people out there who are understanding and just want to help you. View Post

It has been over two years now since I first experienced severe anxiety. Every day I was scared, my heart would start pounding for no reason, I would feel like I was going to faint and my mind would be racing so fast I’d sometimes forget to breathe. The only thoughts I had were negative. I would play out worst case scenarios in my mind, a constant loop of ‘what ifs?’ would torment me and intrusive thoughts would flood my vision and leave me feeling terrified. While all of this was going on I was trying to look after a newborn and a toddler, this felt impossible most days when the majority of my anxiety was triggered by worrying about them constantly. When I was experiencing these feelings, I was convinced I was the only mum out there who was going through this. I felt so alone and scared and I truly believed there was no one else who could possibly understand what I was going through. Well, that’s simply not true. Anxiety is really common, especially amongst new mums, it may effect us all in different ways but you are not the only person to experience it. In this post I am sharing the stories of lots of different mums, to help those of you who may be struggling and feel alone but to also help the families of people with anxiety see what it’s like being a parent with this condition and hopefully find ways to support those around them. View Post

Tonight I slipped back into the darkness.

It was, in fact, more of a fall than a slip. I was like Alice tumbling down the rabbit hole into Wonderland: falling, falling, falling, wondering if I would ever stop and what the world would look if I did. My toddler is ill and my five year old forgot how to use his quiet voice and his listening ears in bed this evening. The older one woke up the younger one; I moved them in to share a room at the beginning of the week, just another fuck up to hang from my ever expanding mummy mistakes belt. The five year old settled but the toddler was having none of it. He screamed, fidgeted and fought sleep with every ounce of his being. So I rocked him in my arms like a newborn, all 11kilos of baby chub and gorgeousness. He’s an Oscar winning actor in the making, he looked peaceful so I lay him in his cot, the second he was gently placed on the mattress he started screaming and was wide awake again. I picked him up, rocked and shushed him some more. View Post

This week, postnatal depression and anxiety support charity PANDAS Foundation are running an awareness week – #PNDA18. The theme of the week is Hope, stories and support will be shared all week to provide hope to all the mums struggling with their mental health that a happy life is something they can have again. I have written a piece for PANDAS that will be shared on their website tomorrow, until then, I thought I would share five little things we can all do on a bad mental health day. The cloud of depression can be heavy and all encompassing but there are ways to ease the pressure and make it out through the fog, if even just for a little while.
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