I’m sliding down again. I can feel it happening but I can’t find anything to grab onto to keep myself afloat. I can feel that awful weight too, it’s heavy on my shoulders and is leaving me drained. I am mentally and physically drained. I am typing this with tears in my eyes, not the first ones to appear today and it is not even lunch time yet. I hear my bed calling me, not just for the rest I need but it is telling me to come and hide, to pull the covers up and make myself invisible. Motivation is dwindling, more of a flickering candle almost at the end of it’s wick, rather than a roaring fire in my belly. I don’t want to do anything. More accurately, I want to do stuff but I have no energy or get up and go to do it.
I feel like a rubbish mum, it’s sunny but I have hardly taken Alex out this week. I had plans to do stuff with him in the beautiful sunshine, instead we’ve mostly hibernated and his brain has probably been fried by watching too much Peppa Pig. My pregnancy hormones are running wild, I’m experiencing all the lows and none of the highs. It doesn’t feel fair. Some of the time I feel like I actually hate my husband, everything he does grinds on my mood like sharp nails on a chalk board. Just looking at him makes me mad and he hasn’t done a single thing wrong. I am just so tired and so scared of this baby’s arrival, I am convinced I won’t be able to cope. The exhaustion is manifesting in misplaced anger towards my husband and the complete lack of desire to do anything.
I am making time for work, sacrificing house work and quality time with the kids, building Lego towers and having a pristine kitchen won’t put food on the table after all. Atleast I have still got enough in me to work, even if just sitting at my computer feels like a marathon, even if some days I don’t brush my hair and stay indoors all day. I am mostly upset because these feelings have returned, they may not be mixed into a toxic cocktail containing intrusive thoughts and debilitating anxiety this time, but I know this feeling too well. This feeling of constantly being on the verge of tears, where you feel like you are walking on a tightrope and you could slip and fall at any moment. Where you just can’t see the happy times as clouds of negativity swoop in and flood your vision. The feeling of wanting to stay in bed even though you have so much to get up for, so much happiness waiting in the day ahead for you to go and find.
It’s Mother’s Day on Sunday, one day just for me but I need more than one day. I need more than one proper guilt free lie in a year. I need to rest, properly rest and soothe my mind. I need the opportunity to fix my mental wellbeing again, get myself back on board the positive train of thought because right now I can’t think of anything good. Right now I feel like even a month of sleep won’t be enough to heal this damage. I am still waiting for my referral to go through to the anti/perinatal mental health team, I need a professional but supportive hand to pull me out of this. I have been waiting 5 months already, I am praying I hear from them before I fall so deep I’m unreachable.
I am full of conflicting emotions about our third baby, I am anaemic and therefore feel physically awful. I am sad and hormonal and feel like everywhere I turn leads to a dark place, I can feel myself losing my grasp on the things that make me happy. I guess no one said I would be recovered forever, no one left me disillusioned and promised the depression wouldn’t come back. I had just hoped that I was healed forever, now I feel like I need to start the whole recovery process again from the start. I just have everything crossed I can get back to a good place before our daughter arrives.
If you feel like you may be suffering with post natal depression here is a list of resources and charities that can help and support you.
If you are feeling suicidal or need urgent help please ring 999 or speak to The Samaritans 116123
If you found this post has helped you feel less alone, you may also like to read the several other posts I have about post natal depression over in the mental health section of my blog.