Has my depression come back? – wishing a healed mind could be forever

Has my depression come back? – wishing a healed mind could be forever

I’m sliding down again. I can feel it happening but I can’t find anything to grab onto to keep myself afloat. I can feel that awful weight too, it’s heavy on my shoulders and is leaving me drained. I am mentally and physically drained. I am typing this with tears in my eyes, not the first ones to appear today and it is not even lunch time yet. I hear my bed calling me, not just for the rest I need but it is telling me to come and hide, to pull the covers up and make myself invisible. Motivation is dwindling, more of a flickering candle almost at the end of it’s wick, rather than a roaring fire in my belly. I don’t want to do anything. More accurately, I want to do stuff but I have no energy or get up and go to do it.

I feel like a rubbish mum, it’s sunny but I have hardly taken Alex out this week. I had plans to do stuff with him in the beautiful sunshine, instead we’ve mostly hibernated and his brain has probably been fried by watching too much Peppa Pig. My pregnancy hormones are running wild, I’m experiencing all the lows and none of the highs. It doesn’t feel fair. Some of the time I feel like I actually hate my husband, everything he does grinds on my mood like sharp nails on a chalk board. Just looking at him makes me mad and he hasn’t done a single thing wrong. I am just so tired and so scared of this baby’s arrival, I am convinced I won’t be able to cope. The exhaustion is manifesting in misplaced anger towards my husband and the complete lack of desire to do anything.

I am making time for work, sacrificing house work and quality time with the kids, building Lego towers and having a pristine kitchen won’t put food on the table after all. Atleast I have still got enough in me to work, even if just sitting at my computer feels like a marathon, even if some days I don’t brush my hair and stay indoors all day. I am mostly upset because these feelings have returned, they may not be mixed into a toxic cocktail containing intrusive thoughts and debilitating anxiety this time, but I know this feeling too well. This feeling of constantly being on the verge of tears, where you feel like you are walking on a tightrope and you could slip and fall at any moment. Where you just can’t see the happy times as clouds of negativity swoop in and flood your vision. The feeling of wanting to stay in bed even though you have so much to get up for, so much happiness waiting in the day ahead for you to go and find.

It’s Mother’s Day on Sunday, one day just for me but I need more than one day. I need more than one proper guilt free lie in a year. I need to rest, properly rest and soothe my mind. I need the opportunity to fix my mental wellbeing again, get myself back on board the positive train of thought because right now I can’t think of anything good. Right now I feel like even a month of sleep won’t be enough to heal this damage. I am still waiting for my referral to go through to the anti/perinatal mental health team, I need a professional but supportive hand to pull me out of this. I have been waiting 5 months already, I am praying I hear from them before I fall so deep I’m unreachable.

I am full of conflicting emotions about our third baby, I am anaemic and therefore feel physically awful. I am sad and hormonal and feel like everywhere I turn leads to a dark place, I can feel myself losing my grasp on the things that make me happy. I guess no one said I would be recovered forever, no one left me disillusioned and promised the depression wouldn’t come back. I had just hoped that I was healed forever, now I feel like I need to start the whole recovery process again from the start. I just have everything crossed I can get back to a good place before our daughter arrives.

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If you feel like you may be suffering with post natal depression here is a list of resources and charities that can help and support you.

If you are feeling suicidal or need urgent help please ring 999 or speak to The Samaritans 116123 

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If you found  this post has helped you feel less alone, you may also like to read the several other posts I have about post natal depression over in the mental health section of my blog.

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18 Comments

  1. March 31, 2019 / 2:55 pm

    I think one of the most important things is that you can recognise the signs and do something about it! I know it can be so hard though having dealt with PND myself and I hope you can work through it.
    Lyndsey O’Halloran recently posted…Yumbox Lunch Ideas For Toddlers: March 2019My Profile

  2. Sarah Moore
    March 31, 2019 / 11:25 pm

    Hi Wendy – Sarah here. I love reading your blog but am normally very lazy and don’t make a comment! I resolve to change this!! I am really sorry you’re not feeling good. If it helps then I definitely found pregnancy with both girls a lot lot harder than having a newborn addition to the family. I hope you have people around you that can support you and help out with the kids a little, and don’t be afraid to reach out and ask if you just need someone to watch them while you have a sleep. Leo and Alex are so gorgeous and original and will be the best big brothers!! I love your blog especially the short stories for mums. Oh and Happy Mothers’ Day! Xxx

  3. April 1, 2019 / 9:33 am

    Sending huge hugs lovely. Be kind to yourself. I really hope you can find your way back to the light. x
    Sonia recently posted…A Weekend In LondonMy Profile

  4. April 1, 2019 / 10:10 am

    Oh bless you, I can relate to this. I have had depression for 22 years now and I can always feel when I’m starting to slide. Recognising those signs is so important though, I hope you have the support you need.
    Laura Dove recently posted…Getting Outdoors With Kids Whatever The WeatherMy Profile

  5. April 1, 2019 / 12:50 pm

    I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this, but it it’s good that you can recognise the signs. Be kind to yourself and accept any help and support. Sending lots of love x

  6. April 1, 2019 / 9:52 pm

    I am so sorry you’re feeling like this and you did get that day on Sunday to rest and re-charge. Having 2 children is super hard work, let alone being pregnant too. It’s ok not to be keeping on top of everything, I don’t think I know anyone who can keep on top with everything, even if they look like they are
    Stephanie recently posted…Stuffed Goats Cheese Burger with Caramelised Red OnionsMy Profile

  7. April 2, 2019 / 5:02 pm

    I hope that you can work all this out. Actually realising that you may be slipping back into a dark place is certainly a first step to being able to do something about it. Take care #TriumphantTales

  8. April 2, 2019 / 10:22 pm

    Firstly, if you are anemic, it could just be the physical aspect pushing you down. I went to the dr because I couldn’t get off the couch and do anything and said I thought I must be postnatally depressed pre-natal and the dr said “YOu’re just having a really bad time because you’re so sick. If you weren’t feeling down it would be more of a concern.’ The iron boost and my back mending made all the difference.
    Secondly, if it is depression creeping back, KNOW that it is tricking you. Know that you will get on top of this as soon as you can take the meds. Try gentle exercise, even when you don’t want to. KNOW that the voice in your head is not your friend and you don’t have to listen to it. Argue with it, out loud even, so you your hear the positive. See your dr tho, and get them on board. You don’t have to feel that way and you certainly don’t have to believe it. Good luck!! Take care! #Truimphanttales
    Lydia C. Lee recently posted…What I learnt from DumboMy Profile

  9. April 3, 2019 / 2:15 pm

    Oh no, you are really having a tough time, and those hormones have a lot to answer for. The main thing is you know what is happening and you can seek help and talk about it. Do not be hard on yourself and just take each day in baby steps, not looking at everything as that will be overwhelming. Big hugs
    Sonia Cave recently posted…Expat Problems – 10 You May FaceMy Profile

  10. April 3, 2019 / 9:05 pm

    So sorry that you feel this way. I have been in that place myself and know how hard it can be to get out. But, you recognise the signs and that’s a great help towards getting better. Take it one day at a time. You will get there. Hugs x
    Zoe recently posted…10 Things I Have Learned About Hiking With KidsMy Profile

  11. Clare Minall
    April 4, 2019 / 12:02 pm

    I am so sorry to hear you have gone through this. Sending my hugs and prayers for you and hope that you’ll find a way to get over with your depression.

  12. April 4, 2019 / 1:20 pm

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Motherhood is hard, depression is hard too. Recognising the signs is an important first step.

  13. April 4, 2019 / 6:23 pm

    Oh Wendy, sending you a super huge hug right now. I hope you start to feel better soon. I hate to think of anyone suffering like this, especially someone as lovely as you. Thinking of you. Take care. xxx Thank you for sharing with #TriumphantTales

  14. April 6, 2019 / 3:23 pm

    sorry to hear you’re feeling like this, but acknowledging the situation is the first step, who cares if the house is messy or too much tv has been watched, you need time for yourself also #triumphanttales
    chickenruby recently posted…One Daily Positive – Week 14My Profile

  15. April 7, 2019 / 10:06 pm

    Sorry to hear you’re feeling like this, waiting for such a long time for such an important appointment is not great. I hope that you’re seen soon. It can only be good that you have acknowledged the signs. Sending hugs #TriumphantTales
    Jo – Pickle & Poppet recently posted…The Tiger Came To Tea at Blickling EstateMy Profile

  16. April 8, 2019 / 2:27 pm

    I am sorry to hear that you are feeling like this. It is horrid when you have to admit that it is on its way back. The good thing is that you are seeing it which I always think means that you can get the help you need. Take care of yourself. #DreamTeam
    Kirsty recently posted…Bloggers #DreamTeam Linky 150My Profile